BDSM: Encounters of the Black Male Submissive Kind

This post is a guest post from our brother @_Praxis_ (some may remember his older handle, @dingane1). I asked the brother to write about the lifestyle of a submissive male in a BDSM relationship. This particular topic came off the heels of a discussion originating from a question I asked about women and rough sex. I believe what our brother has written is extremely important, as most people tend to assume there is only one way of expressing our Selves and our sexuality. The brother is contributor to Asylum, and I consider him a friend, as always, act accordingly in the comment section. Without further ado…

Before I begin I want to give thanks to the Asylum and its Creator, Owl for again allowing me space and audience to share my ideas and experiences. Such opportunities are rare and I am truly appreciative for it.

 

I am here this time to discuss BDSM from the perspective of male submissive.

 

For those that are unaware BDSM is an acronym for the erotic practice of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. It is a lifestyle that I am apart of in most cases as a submissive. Now given that this role as “submissive” runs afoul of the societal script imprinted upon
Men, (particularly in terms of sex and the erotic which generally shows men as dominant and women as submissive) and it is there we arrive at our question.

 

I liken the dominant/submissive dichotomy in the BDSM to a painter and canvas. In that analogy as a submissive I am the canvas the person being acted upon. This is not to say that the submissive does not act back but I’m sure the analogy is understood. For me the interaction with the dominant is the easy
part. I can release and be vulnerable, be sexually fulfilled and fulfilling, and be completely absorbed into that moment. It is truly difficult to explain what plunging into that type of intimate uncertainty is like or how good it feels. It is difficult to explain how satisfying lack of control, a compromising position,
or simply the words, “Yes, Mistress” can be. What becomes difficult is navigating what this part of my sexual identity means in the context of a hostile society.

 

BDSM exists for lack of a better term on the fringes of society because of the taboo placed on it by our society’s politics of respectability. As Owl has mentioned in recent posts we put this premium on appearing “classy” or “refined” in the quest for elevated status and acceptance into the power structures which motivate us to adopt behaviors deemed appropriate. In a society where sexuality is looked down upon as dirty, shameful and considered a lower animalistic impulse to be controlled, BDSM
which not only encourages but celebrates the sexuality in all of its forms and expressions is certainly not something “upstanding and respectable” members of the community do. Within BDSM discretion is a watch word as the activities carried out in privacy can often ruin careers and the judgment that comes
from families and friends is often unbearable.

 

However, depending on what your role is experiences do differ.

 

The gender politics of our society defines men with strength and dominance and women with frailty and submission. BDSM does not occur in a vacuum from this interpretation. It is less acceptable for men to be submissive in BDSM than it is for Women. The difference is in BDSM there are individuals who
embrace that as opposed to the onslaught of themes of inadequacy one encounters in mainstream society. The assumptions of weakness and homosexuality are just as prevalent inside BDSM as they are outside of BDSM, which to a newcomer to BDSM would be understandably surprised. But when one considers in our society dominance makes one a Man and submissive hetero male just doesn’t make sense. It also because of this that often times a submissive hetero male is treated with suspicion as to the sincerity and dedication to their role. Often because there are hetero men who desire to be submissive but are unable to shake the script of masculinity implanted in them and in that insecurity do not give themselves over to their dominant. Something that I can assure you is very, very frustrating. For me this is not where it ends, my blackness also comes into play. Patricia Hill Collins in her text Black Sexual Politics speaks on the formation of what black masculinity and femininity by white people; characterizing my sexual nature as a black male to be wild hyper-aggressive and dangerous. Due to BDSM’s reveling in the taboo it is fashioned as a non-judgmental space to like what you like often referred to as your fetish(es). Often times these fetishes reflect ingrained and offensive ideologies. I have been approached by white women looking for a dominant partner (disregarding my desire and preference to sub) specifically wanting a Black Dominant Male using terms like Bull or Stud. This compounds with the unbelievability of a male hetero submissive. Or I encounter a dominant that positions my skin color as a quality of my personality and thus become a prize of raw animalistic sexuality to be possessed. There are those that bask in this, but for me both of these rely on an
understanding of my blackness built of out of racism which completely turns me off. Then there are some dominants who will not Dom a black male submissive as they see submission as a position of weakness and thus are disheartened and turned off to see a black male in such a way.

 

Needless to say, there have been some points in my engagement of this lifestyle that have been difficult. Intimate relations with other human beings regardless of the method are like that at times. The problems that I have had are not spawned by BDSM they just take on new expression given the BDSM context. I’m able to deal because I have made informed well researched decision about it. It’s a part of who I am and I enjoy it and these difficulties while regrettable are simply the price tag for something
I love doing. I know there many who will read this and their opinions of me will change because of they interpret BDSM along the lines of their own politics of respectability. I would counter that with the assertion that my politics of respectability is encapsulated in one’s loyalty to freedom defined as a person’s right to be whoever they want to be irrelevant of its popularity.

YOU READ ALL THAT? MUST HAVE BEEN WORTH IT.

As you already know, OWL's Asylum is 100% funded by readers like you. In order to help cut hosting and research costs down a little, please donate a few bucks, or more, but definitely, every dollar goes a long way. Just as long as this essay you just read!!!