Fuck Steve Harvey:Black Women On Relationships, Perspective 2

As a man, it can be fully liberating, and often damn confusing to ask women for advice regarding relationships. It is, however, one of the only ways one can fully assess what the other side of the gender aisle is thinking. Although our good comedian turn relationship guru, Steve Harvey offers advice to women, I found that women need to hear or read from other women just as much as men do. In this effort the discussion can be lain bare without the sensationalism that comes from those seeking career advancements. In that vein, I’ve asked four women of Asylum to record their thoughts regarding relationships. The second of these four perspectives is proffered by an up and coming strong Asylum supporter @olokliro. As always, these are not necessarily the thoughts of Owl, but they are the thoughts of Asylum. Please respond with the same respect you would any member of Asylum.

The process of beginning relationships seems to decrease, regarding
the length of time to include concepts of love, with each passing
generation. However, the “stopwatch method” is not limited to young
ladies. It is used by women ranging from ages 20 to 60+. Time has
become the inconvenient middle man that can now transform a two week
fling into a marriage license. Not to underestimate
love-at-first-sight in your life, but, for me, the concept only exists
within a whimsical realm of impossibility.

I find that most of us profess that the primary reason we choose to
mate, cohabitate or marry is because we are IN love. However, love is
not an element that we enter or stumble upon. It is an extension of
our being which makes the opportunity to exude love a choice. Lack of
understanding love causes the garden of repeated testimonials to
expeditiously wither into regret. Our vigorous adoration becomes a
ferocious determination to sever all ties. As other women –
girlfriends, family and/or foes – are carefully witnessing such
patterns, some of them formulate their own escape routes in case of
future fumbles, while others vow to abstain from relationships
completely. From delusions of grandeur to fear of abandonment or
inadequacies, a wall has been activated with minimal chances of
penetration (yes, you may intend the pun).

Molding your mentality through self-help or do-it-yourself methods
procreate disasters whenever the process manifests within extremes
such as being needy, independent and/or desperate. Needy women are
insecure and their peace of mind or validity is cradled within someone
else. The idea or opinion of another is a personal aspiration. Not to
be confused with hopelessness, they know what they want and are
mindful of the consequences. The grandiose lifestyles of independent
women support the increase of their psychological pedestal, feigning
oblivion because the thought of financial liberties outweighs the need
to admit their lust for the male genitalia. Desperation is adamantly
frowned upon. Women that transmit this vibe are often ostracized and
eventually suffer the most. The common process of scrutiny or
investigation is bypassed in order to satisfy the ravenous desire to
be in a relationship. Therefore, they become collateral damage of many
short-lived connections. Realistically, we all possess seeds of
neediness, independence, and desperation. The significance lies inside
the garden and quantity in which we choose to cultivate them.

Through self-evaluation and frequent dialogue with my mentor, I have
realized that there are love stages. I am sure that most of us have
felt at least two of them. On the other hand, for the women that have
experienced the most important stage, I doubt that it came with
reciprocity. A lot of our connections begin with eros – sexual desire.
Physical appeal or comforting presence is what piques our interest,
but does not necessarily keep our attention. The connection initiated
via phileo – platonic, brotherly love – may produce a lasting romance
or confine a man to the friend-zone. Unfortunately, we are not able to
practice agape – unconditional love or obtaining a desire to do
everything together – as much as we would like to.

None of these stages are intangible. Women are nurturing beings. We
all tend to thrive on companionship, whether it be a significant
other, child or pet. Seeking sources of approval or advisement is a
temporary fix. Walt Disney, Tyler Perry or Steve Harvey will not
sustain our minds or maintain a happy home. Knowing ourselves will
allow us to express our needs effectively as well as produce a deeper
connection within all of our relationships. Although I am not a
relationship expert, nor the spokesperson for all women, my
perspective comes from personal lessons and observations. As women we
must be thoroughly aware of our reason(s) for beginning relationships,
and express the agenda accordingly. Balance is essential – it serves
as a safeguard that assists us in achieving a successful connection
with Self, therefore, enabling our individualized foundation to be
stable enough to start building with our companion. This
accomplishment translates appropriately through our actions, which
produce a genuine approach to love and relationships in its entirety.