Interracial Dating and The Collective Advantage Of Privilege

For me as a Black man, an Afkan, it can be painful to see an Afkan woman with a Caucasian man. Now, I agree, it really is none of my business who dates who, or where sperm and vaginal excretions meet. Although, there is an internal recognition that occurs when I see an Afkan woman embracing a Caucasian. Internally I may be personalizing the couple’s decision. In a space in my thinking, I may be presuming the Afkan woman doesn’t like Afkan men, which feels personal. I may be presuming that she does not like Afkan men because she thinks we are not powerful enough without being criminal, or that we are not as kind without being effeminate, or whatever type of message I have received that is not complimentary about Afkan men.

Often, I realize that women, do not understand that degree of competition that defines male socialization from the outset. A number of women I’ve been privy to read, chat with, or just listen to have expressed disdain with the concept of the “body count”. The “body count” is the number of men that a woman has had sex with. I attempt to explain to women that for many men socialized by men, there is the ideal of a woman being a man’s trophy, either as the woman that no other man could have, or as being another man that had sex with that particular woman. As a child in the 6th grade, I can remember going to camp and the discussion amongst the young males was which girls were easiest to have sex with. This discussion in turn surmounted in an argument where two of my peers decided that the standard of local masculinity was whether a boy had had sex with a particular young sister that obviously had become some sort of sexual rites of passage.

Now, after experiences such as that, at an admitted early stage of development, certain perceptions become iron clad. As a man who has had to forgo a natural inclination to the life of the homebody in study for on more public, I know the insecurity and justifications and the things I say to my Self to quell the cognitive dissonance that comes with being rejected. It has to be understood deeply that men who are willing to approach women in the age old practices of mating face a high level of rejection of one form or another. Therefore, a set of standards is created where men judge one another by how difficult one perceives, or has found out, a woman is that the man is courting. In the same manner that women judge other women by the financial position, athletic prowess, and charisma of the men they are with, men judge one another by a certain set of qualifications as well.

Now, there are these social mating dynamics, and when taken to the level of measuring collective mating value, a certain political dynamic. So, when I see a White man with a Black woman, it feels like a collective rejection. In a society that has castrated, hung, criminalized, and stigmatized the Afkan man, there tends to be an underlying acceptance of endogamy. This should not be surprising. The collective of Asians in the United States typically date other Asians. The Mexicans of the United States typically date other Mexicans. In the same vein that I have been made aware of lesbian women not wanting to date or be involved with bi-sexual women, there is a political aspect to sex and otherness especially when one deems the other to have a societal advantage, a privilege.

Internalizing these concepts creates a set of questions that are not as academic as one might assume necessary to handle the cognitive dissonance I feel when discussing this. However, I do ask questions like:

Do you like Black men at all?

Do Black men like you?

Could you not find one suitable Black man out of all the Black men?

And I am sure that Afkan women that have reactions to seeing Afkan men with Caucasian women react in a similar manner. It feels like a rejection of a whole segment of people. A segment of people that one belongs to, so it can be difficult to separate one’s Self from the equation. To be fair, I understand that people develop emotional bonds outside of racial or ethnic considerations. I understand that people seek security and intimacy in enviroments where race or ethnicity may not play a major social factor of decision making. And I understand the dynamics because I’ve dated interracially before. My thinking was not so much social or political, but wanting to enjoy the company of another. And at that time in that space, it was just more convenient for me to pursue White women. So, I do get it. Does that assuage the pangs I feel when I see a White man being doted on by an Afkan women? Not in the least. But, hey, I am still getting over my Self, I suppose…