How to Teach Your Daughter Not to be a damn Sucker to Men

This is a post from our Asylum contributor, Charming Jerk. You can follow him here on Twitter.

 

    It’s easy for a baby girl to turn a grown man into the most nurturing creature ever known, right behind a woman, whenever it lies within its father’s embrace.

 

    A man is supposed to equip their child with the most appropriate tools to carry them from childhood until the depths of adulthood. Normally, when you think of the above statement, one may think about the perspective of a farther vs. a son. However, what if the son is actually a daughter?

Father and Daughter

Daddy’s Little Girl. Everyone knows the saying. With that commonly heard phrase comes so many trials and tribulations, the one triumph that a father could only ask for would be: Raising a daughter who isn’t a sucker to any man.

It starts from the very beginning

A father (well at least a man who upholds his part of the obligations between a father and his daughter) wants his baby girl to understand that he will always be there for her. Although, he cannot either physically or mentally be therefor her, he desperately attempts to at least compensate in every area that he can.

    As time progresses, baby girl will have her share of disappointments. She will have her moments where she’d prefer not to be in the presence of her father or prefer for him not to be in her presence. With that in mind, understand that ANY GIVEN SITUATION can arise. Along that infinite list of possibilities, one possibility lurks in the darkness of the unfathomable: Your daughter doing the unthinkable for men.

Fast Forward to This Very Moment

    Although I am not qualified to speak from the perspective of a man who has a daughter, since

A ) I don’t have a daughter

2 ) I don’t have any children

&

Furthermore, ALL OF THE ABOVE,

I do possess the ingenuity and audacity to tackle that thought, topic, discussion, and reality.

    In my humblest of opinions, I recognize the issue(s) that women juggle, as well as women in training; baby girls. From dealing with an abundant amount of women throughout my 20s, college years, and some of my high school years, I’ve encountered a variety of different personality types. Underneath these accumulated experiences dwelled an inner child that yearned for her father to be what he was designed to be… a father.

    Also, I’ve been a counselor, teacher, male figure, black male figure, big brother figure, as well as a father figure to hundreds of young girls during my days as an adult. Looking into the eyes of those youthful wonders allowed me to participate in the cultivation of intelligent, classy, graceful, fearless, talented, young girls. Although, I’ve worked with the same ratio of young boys, there is a certain distinction that must be acknowledged and practiced with dealing with the separate genders.

Here are my key ingredients on How to Teach Your DaughterNot to be a damn Sucker to Men:

  1. Be honest with your daughter.

Nobody likes a liar, including women. When a father lies to his daughter and she KNOWS that he lied to her, all of her feelings are crushed at that moment. MEANING: Any other male is able to fill that void at the moment.

  1. Discipline your daughter.

Although it may hurt you to hurt your daughter’s feelings, it is better to teach her now than to have her be taught later. MEANING: If you don’t instruct your daughter on the ways of men, she will depend on another man to expose her to these ways.

  1. Love your daughter.

All children need love. However, the love a father provides to a daughter has its own unique function. A mother can only teach a daughter so much. It took a man to help create her; it takes a man to help raise her. MEANING: If there is an inadequate amount of love, she will search for it, inevitably, in the wrong places.

  1. Respect your daughter’s privacy.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy. Although it may depend on how one decides to define the word “privacy”, it is safe to conclude that we all have a degree of right to our own of privacy. MEANING: If she is taught that her privacy can be invaded, she could end up allowing it to continue to be invaded.

  1. Communicate with your daughter.

Women love to tell you how they feel. Even when not saying anything, they are showing you how they feel. If you don’t communicate with your daughter, you could miss vital information that could save your daughter. A lot of men tend to leave the communication to the mother. They tell the mother what they think and expect the daughter to learn that way, in fear of offending their precious baby girl. Or, they could be silent, abusive, absent, or any other negative form of communication, with their daughter, that leads to her reacting in a not so appreciative manner. MEANING: If you don’t talk to your daughter, somebody else will. However, what they may be communicating to her could be the most dreaded thing you could ever imagine for her.

 

Let’s be realistic

There is no possible way that I could ever break it down to “Five Simple Rules” to guarantee that your daughter won’t end up on the list of some immature, too smart for their own good, misguided, sex-crazed man’s list of conquests. There are a multitude of variables that have to be taken into consideration and there are many other parts of the formula that may have been ignorantly left out. However, my point is not to break it down to the minutest of particles, my mission was to raise the conversation. If we, I’m speaking to all the men, aren’t there for our daughters, we allow the percentage of unforgiving acts of deprived women to skyrocket. I am merely attempting to establish some grounds to regain balance.

In conclusion, I leave you with these words: Fathers, be a Man & Men, be a Father. Do what’s right. Take responsibility and do what is commanded of you from the echoes of eternity, help raise our girls into women. Nothing more, Nothing less.

 

    

Asylum Rising: Aluta Continua…

“A culture can be likened to a quilt of intricate geometrical design in which all the many colored pieces, their shapes and stitches flow into one another, constitute the whole. This analogy is apt for yet a second reason. Often, the design on the upper side of the quilt is different from the undersurface pattern. Still, the undersurface design is essential for the outward surface appearance.” – Dr. Francis Cress Welsing, The Isis Papers(pg. 53)

 

The concern with simulated social environments is that practice over a digital medium is not exactly practice within an organic one. The major point of technology for Blacks shouldn’t be in attempting to be experts in doing that which they can do offline, but doing that which is being done by others that Afkans (Afrikan Amerikkkans) aren’t doing or can’t do in other spaces. I don’t very much need to watch Afkans stepping if I can walk around to the nearest pub or club and get lessons from a live source that will fundamentally be a better teacher. The mastery of technology for the sake of mastery over that technology should be the focus; not the further separation of humanity from humanity by means of technologically assisted socialcide. Even with my extreme affection for the technologically addictive, my world couldn’t function properly without offline interactions…

 

I suppose every now and again a thought crosses my mind…

The taste of a bitter wind passing through a blanket stapled over a window,

… the cringe of nerves as a police car passes mine from the rear;

… a sense of the obscure as thoughts of meals and places to sleep are left unanswered as the day passes.

How fast things can change when you place customs and conformity to the side for considerations of the faith based. No, I’m still Mr. ‘Tell Your God To Cough HIV Infected Organisms’, but a sense of the surreal and spiritual encompasses my life in such a way that I can’t deny the presence of a belief of loftier concerns than those attended by lesser minds. I lost my religion and converted to the faith of Black Man and Woman romantic relationships. I lost my religion and converted to the faith of human interaction beyond a screen. I did something remarkable with my hypocrisy last week: I actually acted on something I wrote about. I put my paranoia away and gave Love another shot at healing my wounds.

 

I didn’t realize how destructive my diet of sub sandwiches and chips had become over the last few months…

Or how much one can miss food when they haven’t been eating properly…

I can feel the chemistry of my body altering…

…the restoration of my Taqwa…

 

I know what the naysaying observers of those that live and embrace living will say. I’m not very much affected by the rumblings of the crowd when they boo my team as we grace the planet with our actions. When I find my Self at a loss for a word, I may scroll my Twitter screen up and down like one might twiddle their thumbs. It is fun to watch how fast empty words can become a blur at the flick of my thumb. As nothing is perfect in the eyes of a perfect being taught to swear by its imperfection, I do applaud my defense, and maintain a certain lock and key on the interactions of Owl and Brie. I’ve learned how to dance to the tempo of envious nights spent watering one’s soul with bitter updates and phone calls that leave ears aflame.

“So these powers realize that they’ve been pushed against the wall during recent years and the only weapon that they have against this force that has been pushing them against the wall is divide and conquer – the tactic that they’ve always used. So that, if I may finish, so that every area where you find people who have been colonized and oppressed today striving toward freedom, you find that whereas in the past they got along, today they’re fighting each other.” – Malcolm X, Bernice Bass interview December 27, 1964

Trauma: A deeply distressing experience. Emotional shock following a stressful event. From Greek, literally ‘wound’.

 

I sought reprieve from various corners and crooks. A fathom of imagination, a mistaken identity, an attempt to hold smoke formed in a bong…the elusive fumbles of a man not quite assured of what it is I sought exactly. The opaque yelling through the esophagus of a man buried in the caverns of his own mind can indeed by answered. I stand by the belief that a vibration is sent from the soul of hopes raped by insensitive liars in superhero attire to the outer realms of objective hopes inspired and actively engaged. Somewhere in a seedy coffee shop on St. Louis’ central west end, a poet saved my life.

 

I’ve thought a lot about the story, Owl’s Asylum. How do we tell it from here? How dark is my dark brown paint these days? How much brighter are my golden yellows? I’m not exactly sure how much darker I want the rest of the pages of Asylum to be. As we nurse Asylum back to health, I can see her smiling more. We’ve got many more authors to showcase, realities to expose, and Afkans to embrace. I’ve still got 99 million problems…but being without a home ain’t one.

 

“Functionally speaking, for the victims of white supremacy, this means to act in a s self/group-respecting and supporting manner in all areas of people activity, despite the specific conditions of racist domination and oppression. Submission to and cooperation with victimization and oppression are signs of individual or group mental illness or self-negation.” — Dr. Francis Cress Welsing, ibid.

 

When have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose!” — Harry Potter in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, part 2(2011)

The ReGYMental Mind(Part 2)

This is an article that was blessed to be in my Gmail inbox for my personal inspection. It is written for the illustrious Burning Spear by our brother, Lion, Khairi Akili. No disclaimer necessary. Please enjoy.

 

Uhuru Family,

 

We are nearing the end of “resolution season.” Every year, three-quarters of the people who make New Year’s resolutions break them, and nearly half of those do so within the month of January. However, we are not inspired by a date on a calendar so much as the pursuit of self-mastery. Each journey begins with a single step, and we are here to help you with the first step to a fit lifestyle.

 

Before attempting any type of physical activity, I encourage you to see a health care provider, if possible, to get a better understanding of your current level of health and fitness. If you have any major health risks or are over the age of 45, please seek the advice of a professional before engaging in strenuous exercise. Not only will this visit make you aware of any potential hazards you face, but it will also give you a reference point to gauge your progress.

 

The next step in creating a workout routine is to choose 2-3 days per week that you can fit a workout into your schedule. Remember to allow at least 1 day of rest in between workouts when you are getting started. Overexertion will cause diminishing results and opens the door for injury. As your level of fitness increases, so will the frequency and intensity of your work. Begin where you ARE, not where you want to be. During this beginning phase, it is recommended that you resistance train your full body and focus on cardio. In other words, this is a phase for building foundational strength in all of your major muscle groups while also strengthening the capacities of your heart and lungs for more intense training.

 

Before beginning any workout, it is vital that you take the time to stretch. Flexibility is essential to lowering the risk of exercise related injuries and increasing the effectiveness of your workout. Stretch all major muscle groups prior to exercising, holding each stretch for 15-30 seconds and repeating it 2-3 times. While stretching, avoid jerky motions and bouncing. This can cause damage that will actually make you less flexible and as with all portions of your workout, remember to breathe deeply.

 

After stretching, it’s time for some cardio. Simply walking is a good, low impact exercise for beginners. Biking, running, aerobics, stairclimbing and swimming are also good options. Swimming, in particular, is a great exercise. It is a fully body workout and puts very little pressure on the joints, lowering the likelihood of short-term and long-term injuries. Start with a 5-10 minutes warm up of your chosen cardio exercise. After the warm up, increase your intensity to slightly more difficult than what is comfortable for you and maintain that level for as long as you can, comfortably. Listen to your body. You may only be able to maintain this level for a few minutes but if you stay consistent, that will change. Make sure to take another 5-10 minutes to cool down before completely stopping. You have to give your heart a chance to slow itself down naturally.

 

The major muscle groups that you will be working are your arms, legs, chest and back and abs. With just a few exercises you can work all these areas well.

 

Pull ups are one of the most effective exercises you can do. They work your back and arms but they are difficult. If you can’t do one with proper form, you can pull yourself up as high as you can go and hold that position for as long as you can or ask someone to assist you until you can do them on your own. Chinups are basically pull ups with your palms facing you instead of away. They also work back and arms but put the focus more on the arms while the traditional pull up focuses more on the back. Pushups are an exercise staple and they work your chest, shoulders and arms. Go down, at least, until your arms are parallel with your shoulders. Going further can be an issue for those with shoulder or wrist problems. If you cannot do pushups on your toes, you can modify them and do them on your knees until you build your strength up. Squats work multiple leg muscles. Make sure to keep your back straight and heels on the floor and try to bend until your thighs are parallel with the ground. If you need it make it easier, simply sit down in a chair in a slow, controlled manner and stand back up without using your hands. Lunges also work multiple muscles in the legs. When you get in down into your lunge, try to get both knees into 90 degree angles and have your thigh parallel with the ground. There are many exercises to work the Abs. In fact, both squats and lunges strengthen your core. The thing to remember about ab work is that it WILL NOT burn stomach fat. Six-packs start in the kitchen. Exercise will jumpstart your metabolism but it must go hand in hand with a healthy eating lifestyle to see dramatic change.

 

This is just the first step but with a commitment to consistency, you will see the results you are looking for. Recruit friends and family to join you. Motivate each other. Let’s get fit. Together.

The ReGYMental Mind(part 1)

This is an article that was blessed to be in my Gmail inbox for my personal inspection. It is written for the illustrious Burning Spear by our brother, Lion, Khairi Akili. No disclaimer necessary. Please enjoy.

 

As technology-induced inactivity combines with the chemical and biological warfare of the food industry, we have seen a significant increase in obesity, particularly in the Afrikan community in america. To combat this, we are engaging the community through ReGYMental Fitness as our platform for retooling the perspectives of health and fitness with the understanding that the body and minds are gyms unto themselves. Inspired by other groups, such as The Bartendaz, The RBG Fit Club and our ancestors who stayed in shape and a state of readiness before there were such things as gym memberships, we have honed our focus on four areas of practice. These are organic fitness, vegan/raw diets, yoga and self-defense training.

 

Organic Fitness is defined by a program for reshaping the physique without the need for expensive equipment or a gym membership. Every exercise we do involves your own body weight. The equipment can be found at most city parks or can be modified for nearly any location. We get creative. This is an outdoor workout which comes with its own benefits and risks which will be explained later.

 

A vegan/raw diet is promoted to eliminate the immense hazards of processed food and meat bi-products and to also boost the energy levels by eating as many live foods as possible. This affects all areas of health, fitness and life in general. You will be amazed the transformations your body and mind go through with a change in eating habits.

 

Yoga is our method of increasing flexibility, core strength, posture and mental clarity. The practice opens up the range of motion and with increased flexibility unlocks muscle capacity. Core strength and posture add stabilization to the body while aiding proper breathing. Mental clarity not only increases problem solving ability but also allows us to use our bodies in the most efficient manner when called upon.

 

The final practice we have focused on is self-defense training. We have found it vital in honing discipline, fluidity of movement and acquiring basic techniques to defend Self, Family and Community. When it comes to this, discipline is everything. It is the underlying foundation of all work and success. Martial arts/sciences are a means of actualizing static power and we view defense as the hidden concept that brings full effectiveness to the trinity of Food, Clothing and Shelter.

 

ReGYMental Fitness is available 5 days a week and the people can come and go as they please. For our more dedicated members, we have compiled a book and media list which we come together once a week to discuss in an effort to further fortify the political education of our members while we strengthen their bodies.

 

Many have asked us, “Why exercise outdoors?” Although this question has many answers, the most important are it is widely available and IT’S FREE! Not everyone has access or funds for a gym membership but with our Organic Fitness regimen, you carry most of the gym with you and with a little creativity, you can find many everyday places to work out. Being outside also provides you a fresher supply of air and vitamin D from sunlight exposure, which strengthens your bones and builds your immune system. Also, scientists have concluded that exercising outdoors will improve your energy level, decrease stress and can even be used as a treatment for depression.

 

There is risk involved in any workout but outdoors comes with its own. Training in the elements requires some getting used to and temperature extremes can put extra stress on the body. Be sure to dress for the weather. In the cold, dress in layers and protect your hands, ears and feet with gloves, hats and thick socks. In the heat, make sure you have plenty of water, dress in loose, light-colored clothing and try to exercise in the early morning or evening. Most importantly, always listen to your body. If you don’t feel well, stop.

 

Remember: Health is wealth. We must invest in ourselves. The children are watching. Be an example.

 

Uhuru

A Love Letter To Loneliness From A Walking Red Flag

“I don’t know what it is with females, but I’m not too good at that shyt…” – Kanye West

 

So much inspiration within the boredom of pain. Or is that the pain of boredom? I really dislike when I over think one of my own tidbits of insight. Anywho…

 

Been a couple of trying weeks for the birdbrain of the Asylum. From haggling clients to low wage publishing contracts, still wrestling at the hospital silently for my mother’s health, and I suppose lonely nights are beginning to take their toll on my work ethic. According to two ex-girlfriends, who shall remain nameless for the time being(“being” is a subset of time whereby any disturbance in the ego causes an eruption and…being occurs. It is like the big bang theory of setting your exes out…), if my relationships were superheroes they would be dubbed “Quicksand” or “Burning Building.” [Sure, that did wonders for that aforementioned ego, right? Can you imagine what it did for my rule about not dating white women?] But, I give credence to the context by which these ideas grew. Although, no man should ever accept “quick” or “burning” as adjectives referencing anything sexual, yet with regard to my most previous relationships, I understand the full metaphor, although a bit dramatic, and faithless is definitely an undertone. Certainly not the two to call when the support network called Asylum Staff needs to hold a rally.

 

Continue reading “A Love Letter To Loneliness From A Walking Red Flag”

.:Guest Post:.Stoic Male, Relationship-seeking Female: Stereotypes sustaining division amongst the sexes

As We build more bridges and connect with more thoughts on this plane, I realized I wanted and needed a better understanding of relationships. There are numerous questions bandied about in the Black community, many taken for granted, others simply not screamed through the loud speakers of media enough for an answer to say,”Hello!”

I have asked @ShePonderings to further this discussion as I find her candor enriching, and I knew she wouldn’t hold any punches regarding the topic of sex for the politically correct crowd. You know? I knew she would keep it Asylum. Now, as always with guest, I don’t agree with every angle of thought provided here, but I respect open conversations about topics that don’t get discussed often in a mature and intelligent fashion. So without further ado…

Today’s male perplexes me. I consider myself a very upfront, independent woman. I love traveling, languages, music & sex. Being in a relationship isn’t something I’m in need of right now until I am more established or have accomplished a few things. There are many women who feel like me, women who are willing to wait on relationships for a while. When it comes to casual sexual relationships, I tend to tell men upfront “I’m trying to study abroad in the next year-and-a-half, so I need consistent sex without the emotional attachment.” In the beginning, the men are overjoyed, but down the road, something happens: they get emotionally involved and begin playing the part of The Stoic Male. The Stoic Male is a man who rarely shows or feels emotion and tends to be a horrible communicator. I believe the Stoic Male stereotype is something pushed by society & the media at large to cripple men in the areas of the emotions & communication, which also leads to strained communication between the sexes; but bear with me for a moment as I give, you—the reader—a few examples.

I’d been involved with a man for about 3 months before things changed for the worst. Before this three-month mark, we were having sex regularly, enjoying each other with no strings attached. Although our chemistry in the beginning was extraordinary, the sex started getting longer and more intense around the 3-month mark. As a woman, I was overjoyed. With the way women are wired, we end up having our best sex with someone with whom we feel safe, a partner who takes the time to familiarize himself with our bodies. I’d argue that this is why casual sex is to our detriment, since casual sex often means racking up several partners who don’t stick around long enough to know our bodies, but that’s another blog. The point is, this man was definitely familiar with my body. He knew where to touch, how, and when. Our sex quickly got to the place of transcendence, where I’d black out and feel as though I were floating with the stars: pure ecstasy. Then, he took us to a place I wish he’d never taken us to.

After one such transcendent experience, my partner decided he wanted me to observe his son sleeping in the next room. I was shocked and a little concerned, but obliged him. Maybe this is what sex partners do, I thought. I complimented him on his son’s adorableness, and made for the door when I hear him request my presence in his living room. I obliged him yet again. This time he did the unimaginable: he pulled out his family photo album. I was convinced at this point of two things: I was good in bed, and the casual relationship would soon change if not end. And change it did! I saw him one last time for horribly distant sex and he disappeared shortly after, but I wasn’t surprised. Sex is one of nature’s glues; in other words, sex has the potential to bond people together. Sex can make a person who’s considered average and annoying graduate to beautiful and tolerable: it’s that powerful. When we add sex to a casual acquaintanceship or friendship, one cannot be surprised if a partner catches feelings over time. Consistent sex makes both partners familiar and comfortable with each other, and in time, emotional walls do come tumbling down. A study done by Dr Louann Brizendine suggests that when it comes to men’s emotions, they do feel things just as strongly as women; however, 2.5 seconds after feeling an emotion, the face changes to hide it. Whether this is due to nature (the way the brain is naturally wired) or nurture (the socialization process & gender roles) is up for debate (although science now says the female brain has evolved in order to handle everyday stressors better), but the “why” made sense to me, although the lack of sex made for one cranky woman. All I wanted was a consistent, honest sex partner, and all he had to do was communicate his feelings to me, like an adult.

Another source of confusion is the need of the opposite sex to say unnecessary things they don’t mean. The other gentleman I’d been involved with was a professional and presented himself as a sweet, simple man in search of one consistent, no strings attached, sex partner. After my most recent fiasco with the last partner, I figured I’d give him a try. After having a glorious sexual experience with him, he decided of his own free will to say, “I must have you at least once a week. I’ve never been so tired after sex in my life.” I agreed, only as the weeks went by, I’d heard nothing from this man. I deleted him from my phone, and decided to move on when I’d received a random phone call from him asking to see me again. Being the libidinous woman I am, I decided to accept his invitation. Upon seeing me naked, he said, “You might as well go ahead and just marry me.” Fortunately for me, I’m not one of the female sex to take male banter to heart right away. I merely smiled and seduced. He made the mistake of adding me to one of his social networking sites shortly after waking up from his sex coma, telling me I should have his babies; I say “mistake” because I tend to observe people’s profiles. Again he disappeared, this time, for a month. Curious as to what had happened to our “once a week” agreement,
I checked his page and found a gaggle of women leaving comments all over his page, one in particular being fiercely territorial, leaving messages of ownership on his home page and pictures. It was rather clear to me where my once a week was going.

Was it necessary to bring up marriage and babies, or lie about desiring to be sexual with one partner? Was it necessary to form a “sexual agreement” by stating “I must have sex with you once a month” if that was never the intention? Absolutely not! But some men do it. Was it necessary for the first man to get distant and disappear for fear of getting emotionally involved? No. In both cases, communication and consistency were the issues, but I blame society, the media and our culture for this shortcoming in men. It is my opinion that women are leaps ahead in the area of communication, as far as articulating & handling emotions, because of the stereotype still upheld by society: women are emotional beings ever-seeking relationship; therefore it is absolutely necessary that women know how they feel and how to communicate these feelings, a stereotype I’d argue isn’t true for all of the female sex. Women have benefited greatly from what I will call “the Oprah culture” where the topics of self-help, getting in tune with psyche, the connection between emotions & physical health are the norm to the point of being cliché; sadly, we have not paid this same attention to men. As a society, what we’ve neglected to give more attention to is, men are just as emotional and in need of developing their communication skills as women. As long as we give in to these stereotypes—the ever relationship-hungry female & the Stoic, emotionally evasive male—relations between the sexes will continue to be mysterious and strained. As a result, it makes even the most casual sexual relationships, such as a woman finding a decent lover, as difficult as finding a very fine needle in a stack of hay.

Sources

Face of male changes after 2.5 seconds:

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/men-are-obsessed-with-sex-hide-their-emotio/598647/

Evolution of the female brain:

http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html

Men & Women equally emotional beings:

http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19980520132438data_trunc_sys.shtml

Other interesting reads:

http://www.cyberparent.com/women/mensex3.htm