I came across this interesting (why do I hate that word) blog posting from a sister I met on twitter. The blog post is entitled, “Never Satisfied: Why Nerdy Black Men Can’t Find Happiness.” And the piece is written by a sister that can be found on twitter under the screen name @BlaqueConscious. Now, as I am writing this, we are dialoguing about the piece on twitter. As those of you who follow my writings know, I don’t attack people, I murder mindsets.
I would honestly ask that you read the post. It is very well written; passionate to say the least. I didn’t want to bias my response with my own emotions, because, well, the piece is personal enough in my opinion. I don’t know the sister beyond the three blog posts of hers I have read in the past, I do know she has a certain contempt for the culture of brothers that “ride high”(driving cars on rims above 28”). And to be completely fair, I do believe I could agree with her, if I could only narrow down what exactly we are referencing as a “nerd.” Due to the colloquial nature of the piece, I can’t use dictionaries to define a word that obviously has its own history of connotations, especially in a piece that is as subjectively biased as this one.
What I can do is what I am best at: Ask questions.
With the questions answered maybe I can further my over all opinion on the subject. Until those questions are answered, I can only analyze the piece and attempt to gain my own understanding for her point of view, and continue the dialogue as I am always known to do.
I remember once when I was much younger, a young lady posed this question to me and an acquaintance, “What is satisfaction?” Now, at that time, in my pre-post-adolescence, around 17, my mind ran for the first scenario it could, buying tennis shoes. I responded with the confidence of salesman, “Well, when I see a pair of shoes that I like, I want them. When I buy them I satisfied, and even more so after I wear them. But, after awhile, I’m not as satisfied, and I want another pair.” She was impressed (as young ladies can be by handsome charm, no matter how superficial the analogy) and she replied that she understood that, and she began into her on spiel about shoe shopping and satisfaction.
Allow me to bring this into context.
What we are discussing here, or rather what the blog post in question is theorizing, is “nerds” and their inability to initiate romantic and/or sexual encounters or relationships with desirable women, specifically desirable Black (American) women (Excuse me, BLACK “nerds”, and I am going to assume by the author’s context that she means American born, or US American born Black “nerds”). The author, @BlaqueConscious (and from hence forth, this post will refer to her by that name), states…
“Nerdy black men (like nerdy white men) know they are not in a position to be the ALPHA MAN women desire (with looks, money, and power) in their pre-success years yet these individuals believe women (mainly black women) should be falling all over them anyway. Not only should black women be falling all over them, but we should also stick by their sides while they are trying to move up in the world despite all their shortcomings. Why do they expect this? Because nerdy black men are supposedly the ONLY “good” black men left in the world (let them tell it). Black women (not just any black woman but the “dime” piece…more on this later) are supposed to forget that these individuals most often lack charisma (swagger or whatever you want to call it), lack any type of personality, are awkward as fuck, are uncomfortable in social settings (parties & clubs), are often times broke as hell, can’t dress, don’t know the first thing about “wooing” a woman, often times tend to be angry at the world for their inability to overcome being a social pariah, and they are generally unpleasant to be around. “
Well, hell, let’s end the discussion right there, right! Here we have it: The non-ALPHA MAN, who wants to be appreciated for abiding by the societal script of being the “good black man” that we all read about in our fairy tales wants to be with an attractive woman. But he can’t. Why? They lack “swagger”, they lack a personality, they are awkward(as “fuck” I must add), and they are not used to being at “parties & clubs”. Wait…did I mention: they are often broke(as “hell” I must add), they don’t dress in a fashionable manner, and they don’t know the first thing about charming a woman out of the club into the backseat of a rented Lexus, or even over his or her house later in the week for sex. Am I reading too much into the statement?
I don’t have a problem with this actually, because I feel it is simply a description. However, what I get out of it may be offensive to some. Many men who have a solid sense of fashion, who do have a great and winning personality, and who enjoy themselves in clubs also are having a difficult time securing a sexual encounter with the same desirable Black women. I am not even discussing a full-fledge romantic encounter, or a relationship. Why do you think guys like Tariq Nasheed can build a career off of books like, “The Art of Macking”? I mean, seriously, there is a whole field of guys who go around teaching men how to approach women, and most of them are talking to white men. I’m also seeing a breach of interests here. Everybody isn’t comfortable in clubs or social settings. There is a reason why alcohol related accidents are high, because people like to get comfortable with intoxicants in social settings, namely the club and parties.
Let me get back to a line I just wrote. I stated that there seems to be a disconnect in interests. While taking a break today, I was discussing boring hobbies with one of my friends on campus. We both enjoy writing, but he doesn’t enjoy graphic design. He thinks Photoshop and illustrator are boring. I agree. He also said that most people have boring hobbies though. I tend to agree with this as well. The degree of persistence with anything can become cumbersome to an individual with no prerequisite desire to learn that thing. Even those who have an enormous degree of joy practicing certain things can experience what is known as “burn out” after awhile. So, what if we don’t like the same things? What happens when your skill set doesn’t allow you the opportunity to develop certain social skills? Then you are probably going to become labeled a “nerd”?
This is an interesting paragraph, I will return to it in later blog posts, it may be referred to as “Exhibit A”. Moving on…
She continues to write:
“I want you to think back to the time when you were in high school. In that time was there ever a popular girl (cheerleader, student body president, homecoming queen etc) in a relationship with a nerd/geek? I can honestly say NO! When I was in high school I was student body president and guess what? My boyfriend and high school sweetheart at the time was captain of the football team. As a popular pretty girl I was checking for a popular good-looking boy and vice versa. Why? Because in our high school social hierarchy he was the ALPHA MAN and I was the ALPHA WOMAN.
Julius Caesar could have had any woman he desired (though I believe he was married). Yet he set his sights on Cleopatra, the baddest woman in the land. Cleopatra could have any man she wanted, but she set her sights on the married Julius Caesar, the baddest emperor in the land. What does this tell us? Those at the top don’t usually go for those at the bottom (and it’s been that way for centuries). A nerd is at the bottom. A dime piece (who is at the top) is more than likely not going to go for a nerd. The only way a dime piece would go for a nerd is if he CHANGED his status (with money) or if he transformed from a nerd to man with presence. **Side
note—For those of you who don’t know what the term “dime piece” means it is slang for a woman who is a TEN on the attractive measuring scale.”
First off, I really wish this sister wouldn’t have said high school. The first thing that I thought reading it was, “Oh, so we are discussing high school practices. High school, like back when I was a juvenile? So could this be considered a juvenile mentality? Yeah, great. Your standard is an immature social paradigm. Great. Thanks…but no thanks, when I was a child I thought and acted as one…” The second thought that came to my mind was a historical one, which made me wish she didn’t use this particular historical reference. The author may not consider Barack Obama a nerd, but I wonder if Michelle Obama would be considered one.
If we can still recall the Inaugural Ball, we witness the lack of grace and rhythm of the first Black(Progeny of US American slaves) Lady. We know that Michelle is a graduate of Princeton University and Harvard Law. We also know that she grew up on the South Side of Chicago. We also know that she skipped the second grade, and by the sixth grade she was in gifted classes. We also know that she attended a magnet high school, Chicago’s first, she took advanced placement classes, a National Honor Society member, as well as the treasurer for her student council. Damn, Michelle, too bad you couldn’t have been the president, you would have been a bad ass dime dating the head of the football team.
A brilliant woman in her own space, we also have pictures of her as a juvenile and we know that she is not the coveted “dime”(oh, that is slang for a woman who is a TEN on the attractive measuring scale…yeah, the same one used to describe Bo Derek’s character in “10” circa the early 1980s. Oh, yeah…”10″, the movie about the nerdy screen-writer who seduces the woman who is a dime…eh..). So, we have the president of one of the most powerful countries in our time being involved with a nerd. This is of course because the baddest man on the planet, the big capital letter ALPHA MAN, wants to be with…er..uh, um…a woman who loves him for him, appreciates his interests, can hold a conversation beyond “America’s Next Top Model”, and would make a great mother for his children?
Alright, I think I’ve beat that up enough.
More fuel to burn…:
“Why the hell aren’t you pursuing/lusting after nerdy black women (your female counterparts) instead of dime pieces? It doesn’t matter what college you go to in this country. Chances are there are MORE black women walking around that campus than black men. Chances are a number of those black women are NERDS. Why aren’t nerdy black men beating down their door? Could it be they don’t find their female counterparts as appealing as the dime pieces? I think so. If black nerds won’t date a black female version of themselves how the hell do they figure a dime piece would date them?
When Bill Gates married he didn’t go out here and pull a Cindy Crawford supermodel type (though I’m sure with his money he could have). No, he went and pulled a female version of himself. His wife is just brilliant and nerdy as he is, but the important thing is they compliment each other. They make each other happy. He didn’t go chasing waterfalls. He stuck to the rivers and the lakes that he was used to. “
Just as brilliant and nerdy. He stuck to the rivers and the lakes that he was used to…yeah, the elite and extremely successful ones…And now I need a drink. Oh well…
Once again, I’m at a loss for apt analysis, mainly because, I don’t know any black men or women that date without having a social interest that at least brings them into proximity with one another. If I am a club type dude, then I’m going to meet a woman there that at least likes to go to the club every once and awhile. Michelle meets Obama when he became her assistant. He took her to an art museum, common interests, or at least one she was able to appreciate, and then they went to go see Spike Lee’s classic movie about nerds having sex with dime women because their alpha male, my fault, their ALPHA MALE(did you hear the echo in the room…read it again, I swear it’s an experience!), boyfriend tells them to…before he dumps her for the next dime—“School Daze.” I’m just not getting it.
I’m on campus at a predominantly white university, so I understand her point about there being more black women on campus. Very true. Of course, I see the same pattern here as what I’ve discussed earlier. Most of the couples I see here are people who have either shared a class with one another, meet in an organization, or played sports and encountered one another during practices. People don’t meet out of the sky. Hell, people can’t even meet long distance without some social medium and an interest. So, either I don’t know any nerds, or the nerds that I know by virtue of basic physics have all met people on the job, in classrooms of their major(hint hint), and or an athletic association…whoops..and this is my point, not only do the people I refer to as nerds have women in their lives, they also play ball. Distinctions are so important.
Okay, I better deal with this now. Beauty standards aren’t natural occurrences and they change from culture to culture depending on the decentralization of the country’s media with the worlds. Considering that most countries are more insular racially, and the US as well, most people will based their standards on women who look like those found in their race. Which sort leans on my point. What is a dime to one man, shouldn’t be a dime to another, but conformity and ego will set in, and most of us are drawn to the women we see on television and in magazines. With the advent of hip-hop music videos the desirable physical features of black women changed some from what was desirable in the eighties. One case in point is the oft debated “thick” definition. What was thick in the eighties for most black men, might be consider skinny, possible even petite now. Given that most of our media is owned, excuse me, all of our media is white-controlled, and the images of women will reflect that. What we also know about media representations of women as sexual objects is that the models represent an almost impossible standard. This is what white women are saying. As far as what black “nerds” are passing up, I seriously question if this is a national pattern, and men that are ALPHA MALES(did you hear it?) are even dating white women, as well as the so-called thugs.
As a total critique of the piece, as a literary element…I’m in love with it. Unfortunately, I’m one of those guys that “dumbed” down during school and in conversations to avoid the problems with being labeled a geek and or a nerd. Possibly my response to this piece is due to that. I don’t take personal issue with it, I have many more demons to deal with than that, but I do wonder how many other brothers and or sisters might be doing some of the things I went through or witnessed attempting to avoid that label. Even Barack Obama is touted more as the “hip” president, (i.e.,”he plays basketball!!”). Which is funny to me, because I realize that Barack probably couldn’t handle the same level of ball game that most young black males bring on the average ball court in Any Black Neighborhood, USA. You would be a blind and naive person to think that Obama would’ve been accepted as child growing up in black community. He was not accepted when he first came to South Side Chicago. Michelle, that nerdy black chick he was theoretically supposed to pass up for Beyonce, had to stand up for him. So, much for the myth that all Black women want a man that can fight gangsters…well, until they are one, I suppose…
“My question is why can’t nerdy black men DEVELOP the qualities women like? Women often times change to fit the standards of men, but men rarely do the same. Women are expected to take men, as they are whether they are good-looking, fat, short, or ugly. I’m going to tell black men the same thing I have told black women: If black women are overlooking you I suggest you take a GOOD LONG LOOK in the mirror because nine times out of ten that’s where the problem starts.”
I don’t know. I’m really lost here. I have had a lot of growing up to do since I was a child, and one of the major things I had to deal with was authenticity. I don’t think it is wise for anyone to adjust themselves for anything really, let alone a mate. If all you want is sex, then I say work the room like all the other guys, including the ALPHA MALES(I know you heard it that time!!). If you are looking for a relationship beyond one night, excuse me, beyond two hours, then I suggest you attempt to at least be honest about your interests and abilities. Life can’t be hidden and we are all a part of that life. There are no real skills that one can develop to impress a person that is not impressed by you. None. You can be a great actor or actress, but one day, you will have to drop that shield. If you are someone that enjoys sitting in front of a computer for hours, then the person you decide to be with will have to accept that, and in some ways should appreciate and admire that about you. I don’t think these to be ideal considerations, in fact, I know someone in a great relationship just like that. Smiles.
I would be completely amiss as a hater for hire if I didn’t mention the author’s underlying sentiment. I don’t seriously think every woman thinks like this sister does, but I would imagine quite a few do, or have. As vibratory beings we are all attracted to those with the greatest degree of vibration. Like peacocks we scramble to show our colors(vibrations of light) when mating. I don’t know if @blaqueconscious is attempting address a concern about black women that are overlooked or what, and any sincere and reasonable message to any sane and rationale man that I know was lost in her beginning paragraph. The incendiary commentary that we American Blacks love to refer to as “real talk” is usually real ineffective as a tool for change, and just because black males have not the record for shooting up schools for being treated like social pariahs, I’d be careful with that as media communicator. Not saying that it is the responsibility of the blogger to be socially responsible, but I’d think if I was Black, and had conscious(aware) thought about the plight of black people in this country, I’d try to be a little careful with my writings.
This post is pregnant with various topics that need to be addressed, and I should probably end here and tackle another later. And with that…later…