As a man, it can be fully liberating, and often damn confusing to ask women for advice regarding relationships. It is, however, one of the only ways one can fully assess what the other side of the gender aisle is thinking. Although our good comedian turn relationship guru, Steve Harvey offers advice to women, I found that women need to hear or read from other women just as much as men do. In this effort the discussion can be lain bare without the sensationalism that comes from those seeking career advancements. In that vein, I’ve asked four women of Asylum to record their thoughts regarding relationships. The first of these four perspectives is proffered by our long Asylum supporter @Kimistry101. As always, these are not necessarily the thoughts of Owl, but they are the thoughts of Asylum. Please respond with the same respect you would any member of Asylum.
A Friend to My Mind
I think the reason people look for love or desire to be in relationship is simple, it’s by natural design. I’m a believer in God and his design and were hard-wired to seek love and companionship. So shout out to God, the great architect.
No, I’m not in a relationship now and that’s because sometimes you catch the light and it’s red and sometimes it’s green, not that serious. I attribute that attitude to a time of soul-reflective singleness, the mantra that “With maturity comes the ability to separate things, and the lesson that “God wastes nothing”.
I don’t have a bitter attitude about love and relationships, nor am I soured on men. I actually don’t think love is all that elusive. Mind you, I give little credence to what the media hype concerning black women, relationships and marriage. I don’t pay attention to any studies, polls, percentages, ratios, graphs, brain scans, none of that.
Neither am I one of those women who have become settled into a comfortable place of independence and don’t care one way or the other if I fall in love or get married. I’m looking forward to it. And for a while i had my obligatory relationship wish list, which I stop referencing altogether not too long ago. I’ve come to find that it can actually throw you off the scent.
I recently met a man who was almost wish-list worthy. He was Christian, marriage-minded, smart, attractive, very nice, and the type of man who would have been the one in the relationship to love more and for me that’s very important. But he was a poor communicator. We would have these conversations, which were basically monologues. I did all the talking and he would counter with one-word responses, which is a big peeve of mine. And this was each and every time we spoke, whether it is on the phone or in person. It was too much of a struggle trying to have a conversation with him, so veto that.
In relationships you should be able to converse easily with one another and talk about anything from current events to who’s career Diddy will kill next. And he wasn’t at all quick with the quips, totally void of any wit or humor. We shared not one moment of genuine laughter, no intellectual chemistry at all. I finally just had to toss him in the shredder. I felt a twinge of guilt, because women catch a lot of flack for overlooking a nice guy. But as cliché as it sounds, being able to communicate and vibe off one another is a must and for me it trumped any other qualities he had.
It made me think on a passage in Toni Morrison’s book, Beloved. One of the characters describes his love for a woman by saying, “It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” . Thats it, that’s going to top my list. Right after having a faith in God is going to be a man who is “a friend of my mind”.